Pain's the word

     Man, oh man! Pain is the word of the day.

     I guess I finally realized this arthritis thing is not getting any better and it's time to place myself under a doctor's care. For almost seven years I have been waiting for things to improve, for this disease to suddenly disappear; I had hoped that one day I would wake up and be back to my younger years, when I boasted of how healthy I was; when I had energy to spare; when I was adventurous and ready to go, always curious, trying to find new things to do and new things to learn.

     Nowadays every thing seems to be an uphill battle. But the strongest battle is in my mind. It takes all I have to keep believing in healing and in a loving God who watches over me and cares for me; when I'm in pain and every little thing to do turns into a full blown project due to the pain and stiffness, when caring for my little boys -even picking up the youngest- causes excruciating pain, and my arms and knees threaten to give in under me every step I take, it's easy to wonder "what could possible be the purpose for this?".

     I know God uses everything for good for those who love Him, but what good could possibly come out of being constantly in pain, challenged at every step? 

     I'm reminded of Jesus and his encounter with a leper; I'm reminded of the words spoken by the leper "if you want, you can cleanse me". He knew Jesus could cleanse him, but would He want to?

     I have no doubt that God can heal me; He created me; He knows me; He knows my body; a simple thought from Him, a whisper even, a word, and all this world of pain and suffering could disappear. Yet He remains silent.

     I know He can heal me; but does He wants to?

     There are days when the weight of all I have to do and all that needs to be done in order to care properly for three little boys and a husband brings out a prayer, out of the deepest places of my innermost being, "if you want, you can cleanse me". But most days the request goes unanswered.

     Even thinking about going under a doctor's care was a difficult decision; I felt like I was saying "well, since you won't heal me, I'm going to look for healing somewhere else".

     Yet I know that my healing can only come from Him; yes, a doctor may bring some sort of relief, thru medication or any other intervention, but real healing, complete healing can only come from Him, and for reasons unknown to me, He chooses to wait.

     I'm reminded of a song we used to sing many, many years ago in Sunday School; it said something like "if I'm missing my voice I'll praise Him with my hands; if I'm missing my hands, I'll praise him with my arms; if I'm missing my arms, I'll praise Him with my legs; if I'm missing my legs I'll praise Him with my soul". And after all that's exactly where I am; no matter what, I'll still praise Him. Whether He heals me or not I'll praise Him.

     I only ask for the strength to go on. One day at a time.