Friday, March 27, 2009

Be still and know that I am Mom






     All the boys who live in this house were sleeping; I was trying to be quiet, walking around them swiftly while cleaning the house and finishing laundry; soon it would be time to get ready for mid-week service at Church, and for some odd reason, instead of using that quiet time to relax, read or simply enjoy, I was busy, not only with my housework, but also in my mind.

     In one of the trips back from the basement bringing laundry, I was welcomed into the living room by a foul smell; I mean, it almost knocked me backwards; the air was thick in there; I kept walking and dismissed it as one of those things my boys are good at: farting.

     I finished putting away the clothes and sat down for a little facebook time; time flew by and now it was time to get the kids going; Nathan was already up so I gently sat next to Danny, who was sleeping on the couch, and gently rubbed his back while softly speaking his name prompting him to wake up and get ready for Church.

     Suddenly the memories of the foul smell of earlier became a reality; memories of the way he was crying before nap time complaining of stomach ache; memories of how I had taken time out of my busyness to rub his belly; memories of how he had fallen asleep while I massaged his stomach.......and memories of that nasty smell again.

     I was immediately overwhelmed by the thought of what lay ahead for me.

     I knew I was getting into a messy situation.

     I begged my other self to remain gentle and treat the little tyke with dignity, love and respect; I mean, is not like he decided he was going to make my day a little more miserable by soiling his pants; obviously he was sick before nap time, and the reason for his malady had come rushing out sometime during his time in dreamland.

     I took a deep breath, then quickly realized that was a mistake; I shook my head and prompted him to get up and walk with me to the bathroom; he was still half asleep; somewhere in his stupor he felt something was not right and he opened his eyes wide, while looking at me, fully expecting to be scolded for such inconsiderate action.

     I'm convinced he expected the worse from me, because when he realized I was talking to him with the sweetest voice I could muster, he gently rubbed my face and with the sweetest voice that could ever come from the mouth of a four year old he said "thank you, mommy".

     I smiled at him, trying to hide my gaging reflexes. Then I went back to the issue at hand, trying to figure out the best way to take his pants off without making the mess even bigger. He must have read my facial expression, and suddenly he tried to "help" me clean the mess; he hurriedly tried to pull his pants down and then his underwear; before I could say peep the mess had rubbed all over his legs; he looked at me and I could tell he was proud for helping me; I look down and quickly realized that the mess had expanded to the legs, the floor and, had I not been careful, to my own legs and arms.

     In a split second I realized that every time my kids spill their drink, I always scold them into cleaning it for themselves; lately I don't even have to do that; even Aaron runs to the kitchen and brings a towel and starts cleaning the carpet; is just second nature to all of us; you spill something, you clean it.

     I knew that was exactly what little Danny was trying to do: clean up his own mess. But this time I did not want his help; this time all I wanted him to do was to freeze and don't move until I was done; I could tell the dam of emotions inside me was ready to burst open; now I not only had a child to clean, but the bathroom floor too.

     Only by God's grace I was able to remain calm; or it could be the fact that I know well enough not to be the nastiest person alive right before going to Church; I mean, I've done it many times and it does not feel good at all, sitting in Church, trying to sing, knowing that just a moment ago I fell as low as I could for that day and mistreated the children God placed under my care.

     Back to reality.

     As calm as I could I told Danny to stop moving; he was already reaching for toilet paper to help me clean the floor; as calm as I could I told him that I was going to take care of everything, all he had to do was to stand still and let me work.

     In my head I was screaming "Be still and know that I am mom".

     Seriously.

     With patience and love many things can be accomplished. After a little while the only thing that was left from the messy episode, was the memories; I'm sure I will laugh about it some day; some day far, far away.

     Fast forward two days.

     Today is Friday and I am here, sitting alone in a quiet house; I feel such an emptiness inside, such turmoil; I feel overwhelmed by a sea of emotions; my mind rushes back and forth in time, regretting the past, fearful of the future, unsure about the present. 

     There are so many ways in which I have let life overwhelm me, crush me under its weight; there are many things I should have done and I didn't; there are many things that could improve, if only I commit myself to them; there are many things I could do better, but choose not to, all the while the list of excuses for my lack of action is getting ridiculously long.

     I quickly realized I'm in a mess of my own making and hurriedly tried to come up with answers, with action plans, with schedules, with options. There was a great whirlwind in my mind and heart. I felt dizzy, and afraid. I yelled at myself. "C'mon Nilda....how long are you going to keep this up???? Get ahold of yourself!!!!! You are thirty-five-freaking-years-old!!!!!! Act your age!!!!!!@#$%#$#%^^&"

     In the midst of my sobbing I remembered a few words that I keep forgetting, despite the self promises I make never to forget again.

"Be still and know that I AM God"

     I grabbed onto those words as hard as a window washer grabs his harness while working on the 70th floor of a New York skyscraper; I mean, I don't even know if there are buildings that high, but if I was a window washer and had to go up that high, you bet I would hold on to that rope as hard as my little hands could; you would too.

     So there I was, almost like little Danny in the bathroom, who was comforted by the fact that mommy was so gently cleaning up his mess, because, after all, she is mommy, and if someone is a master at cleaning messes in this house, mommy is.

     And here I was, looking all around me and seeing a mess, or looking down from the 70th floor of a skyscraper, fearful of the fall, holding onto those life-giving words with all my might.

"Be still and know that I am God"

     And I'm happy to report that, after hanging onto His words for awhile, the storm ceased; the winds calmed down; the thunder was silenced; and there was great peace.

     So, just in case you find yourself in the middle of a storm, I want to share the words that brought me solace:

He alone is my rock and my salvation; 
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
Psalm 62:2


So do not fear, for I am with you; 
do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strenghten you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10


Since you are my rock and my fortress,
 for the sake of your name lead me and guide me.
Psalm 31:3

The Lord is my rock , my fortress and my deliverer; 
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. 
He is my shield and the horn 
of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalms 18:2


He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, 
and for his children it will be a refuge.
Psalm 14:26


God is our refuge and strength
an ever present help in trouble. 
Therefore we will not fear; 
though the earth give way 
and the mountains fall 
into the heart of the sea, 
though its waters roar 
and foam and the mountains 
quake with their surging.
Psalm 46:1-3



But above all, I suggest you stop doing what you are doing, and listen to God whishper:

"Be still and know that I am God"


     I can assure you, He can handle a lot more that just a cleaning job.



Encourage one another.
Keep moving forward.

Love,

Nilda





     

     

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